ALPENDORF · 2026 · ALTITUDE 950 M
Snow (of sorts). Schnapps. Questionable decisions.
Overture
Once upon a time, high above an unsuspecting Austrian village, where the mountains are majestic, the air is pure and nobody has yet complained to the authorities, Mario turns fifty...
Fifty.
Five decades of charm, cheekbones, poor choices and still being invited back.
To celebrate this frankly implausible milestone, the entire von Trapp family and their significantly gayer, louder and better-dressed friends are ascending into the Salzburg Alps for four days of mountains, music, meat (sorry Tess), martinis and moral decline.
· 47°21′N 13°12′E
Eleven timber chalets scattered across Alpendorf in Sankt Johann im Pongau, each blessed with a fireplace, private sauna and outdoor whirlpool.
For four days, the hills are alive.
And darlings, they better see things.
I
A fireplace
For the sincere bits, and the confessions.
II
A private sauna
Naked diplomacy. Bring a towel, or don't.
III
An outdoor whirlpool
Snow above. Bubbles below.
What follows is not an itinerary.
It just happens to have timings.
The Lookbook
A mood, not a rulebook. Greens, browns, tweed, leather, leg.
Study it, steal from it, go further than everybody else. If looks could kill.
Scroll sideways
Climb every mountain.
Ford every stream.
Follow every rainbow.
Find your dream.
And for the love of God,
2:00 PM
Trunks up the mountain. Boots off. Standards down.
Claim your chalet (we’ll tell you which is yours), inspect your sauna, locate your whirlpool and establish immediately which neighbour you want to join you…and who's brought the best alcohol.
You have hours to unpack, moisturise, steam something and emerge looking as though you woke up this way in Salzburg.
4:00 – 5:00 PM
Our first gathering among the chalets, we’ve ordered the Salzburg mountains turn gold, and Mario officially begins his reign as Baron von Fifty.
Champagne. Schnapps. Cashmere. Shade.
If you were planning an entrance, make it now. (Note to Suki).
By Sunday nobody will care.
7:30 PM
A short stroll into the village.
Downhill: charming.
Uphill after dinner: a hate crime.
Wear something you can walk in.
You can change once we are there, into something you cannot.
8:00 PM
Dinner and drinks above the valley, picture perfect, arranged just for you.
Candles long. Glasses full and topped incessantly.
No polite conversation.
10:00 PM ONWARDS
No itinerary.
Previous form suggests someone will be in a sauna without a towel, somebody will be passionately explaining something inane at twice speed, and Julie Andrews will be invoked in a manner her estate never intended.
Sleep is available.
Participation optional. Sleep before dawn, required.
8:00 AM - 10.30 AM
Delivered directly to your chalet door because nobody should have to encounter civilisation before coffee.
Pastries. Fruit. Caffeine. Mountain views. More.
No reason whatsoever to leave the person in the bed beside you before strictly necessary.
Breakfast
€22 per person
Basics
Pastries
On top
Cereals
Milk & more
Drinks
Extras
Please place your daily order at the reception on arrival, or no later than 12 noon the day before.
11:00 AM – 5:00 PM
7:00 PM
Walk. Sashay.
Whatever gets you there.
If you can't, transfers to the venue will be provided. It will be very short - offensively short. Roughly the length of a do-re-mi.
There are not enough seats for all of you at once, so you will wait your turn, you impatient biatches. Be still. Look expensive.
Tonight, on this occasion, fashionably late is just rude, and, well...just late.
7:15 PM – late · The big one
And here she is. Mario’s Fifty.
Food first.
Speeches mercifully brief.
Booze increasingly generous.
Lights drop, the music rises and your Alpine evening begins its natural slide into a gay avalanche.
Dress accordingly.
Dance irresponsibly.
Hydrate very, very frequently.
And remember:
Except photographs. Those are forever.
Morning
Coffee. Pastry. Silence. Coffee. A distant memory of schnapps.
Coffee. Somebody asking, “Did I…?” Nobody answering.
Breakfast
€22 per person
Basics
Pastries
On top
Cereals
Milk & more
Drinks
Extras
Please place your daily order at the reception on arrival, or no later than 12 noon the day before.
2:00 PM onwards
Steam. Water. Heat. Silence (or not). Something on your face (or not).
Recovery.
An afternoon devoted to slowly steaming away Saturday night.
Participation optional. Swimsuit required.
Low light. Warm clothes. Good wine. Alpine Food Truck.
This is the shhhh bit.
Stories from the weekend. Stories from the last fifty years.
Because underneath the high, the hill, the dancing, the questionable sauna etiquette and the tortured Sound of Music references, there is a rather important reason we gather all here:
Mario.
Fifty years of him.
A Chaletdorf gathering full of people who bloody adore him. The food comes to you. *Wet weather plan B (dining in our chalets) may apply.
After three days of talking about the tunes,
the gays are finally forced to walk them.
09:00 AM - 3:00 PM
We venture into the Salzburg that started this whole ridiculous idea.
Six hours of shameless cinematic pilgrimage.
There will be a gazebo. There will be singing.
Someone will attempt the Julie Andrews spin.
Someone will immediately regret attempting the Julie Andrews spin.
And at some point, surrounded by all that obscene Alpine beauty, we may briefly be sincere.
Don’t worry. It will pass.
EVENING
Nothing is planned. Nothing is expected. Nothing is forgiven.
Eat where you like, drink what you like, do who you like.
Some of you will book a sensible dinner in the village. Some of you will end up back in the whirlpool with a bottle you did not pay for.
Both are just fine. Only shade will make the group chat.
The mountain has had enough.
11:00 AM
Chalets must be vacated by 11:00 AM. This is not a suggestion, it is Austrian.
Pack the outfits. Leave the shame. Retrieve whatever you left in the sauna.
Say your goodbyes properly, with sunglasses on and a voice like gravel.
And then down the hill, back to civilisation, insufferable for weeks.
A few moments require numbers before we confirm them:
A note on
What’s on the Captain, and what’s on you
The Captain’s got
Your chalet, welcome drinks, the big Saturday surprise, Mario’s main birthday bash at Almbar, and Sunday Chaletdorf food truck.
In other words: the bed, the spectacle and the party.
You’ve got
Travel to Austria, transfers, Friday dinner, Sunday spa and Monday’s Sound of Music tour, plus any breakfast baskets, massages, wine-supply raids and other personal acts of financial recklessness you may have along the way.
